“I didn’t mean to”

“why did you do it?”

“I’m sorry”

“why did you do it?”

“I don’t know , I wasn’t thinking. I made a mistake”

“you weren’t thinking for 2 months?”

“… please forgive me”

“I trusted you”

“I know”

“I thought you were better than this”

“I am , I will be , just give me another chance!” “let’s start all over again”

“yes, lets, we’ll start from the day I never knew you and this time I’ll make sure you’re not a part of my life.”

“please don’t do this”

“you did it to yourself”

“I made a mistake, I need you. I’ll change I swear.”

“Its not a mistake when you know what you’re doing is wrong. It’s a choice.”

“I was stupid back then”

“and you’re not any different now”

“I am , I’ll do anything to get your trust back. you can hate me all you want just don’t leave me”

“trust? It’s not only gone but in your case, It’s dead.”  “you should have thought of what you were doing”

“don’t do this to me”

“we’re done here”

“Asma, please.”

“what’s sad is that I really did care about you.”

“you know I’d do anything for you”

“yeah, i know you would.. but i guess my love and trust was just not enough”

“It is enough , you mean the world to me”

“If only it we’re true. Goodbye”

“I love you.”

“I don’t.”

You could know someone well enough to spend a lifetime with them and still not know how they work. Some things are just always left hidden.

Quoted from the novel “The Lost Boy by Dave Pelzer.”

I carried him and thought , there is no adult as pure as this little child. No grown up knows how to believe in the best of this world. What are we really? Insecure little maniacs that try their best to find happiness in the little things of this world when really, happiness is right in front of you, you just need to learn how to get your hands on it. You need to realize that things wont be perfect,  you’re going to fall,  you’re going to be disappointed, you’re going to have to learn how to live without things you want the most yet that natural instinct of trust and faith is only in a child’s nature, Its because they have not been tampered into this worlds misjudgement and cruelty, they know not of bad people. They aren’t introduced to pain.

when I picked the little boy up and swung him in the air, he looked at me not scared but happy. Over joyed that he could fly. He did not doubt my strength, he did not think about the fall. He just flew.

everyone has barricades around them and when your time comes you’re just supposed to break free, tear it apart and move forward to freedom! these wall like figures or blockages aren’t physical standings or pillars, they’re just your mind stopping you from taking a risk, you fear the unknown and when you fear something, it’s natural to move away from it, to move back, to avoid it.

Although once you realize overlooking your fears clears your pathway; nothing can stop you. If you change your thoughts, you can change your world!

where does all this hurt come from? we’ve barely lived, we’ve barely seen the world yet we know so much about things that aren’t closely related to us still highly painful to know of. when you run towards an endless valley your aim is nothing but to run, that feeling of running just because you wanted to. To be tired just so you know you have the freedom to walk out and do what you please without times and schedules, without permissions and curfews, without the danger of being robbed, kidnapped or raped. I want to be able to make that hard day a part of my life that I didn’t waste on people who didn’t care or things that didn’t matter, a life I lived just to reach my dreams.

On any given day an underdog can rise up.

because in the end when you’re looking back instead of  forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you, you want to believe that you’re leaving something good behind, you want it all to have mattered.

It is quite common that those children grow up to fear love, to rather stay alone on a Saturday night, because growing up they got used to hateful words, beatings with belts, slaps, and sometimes even suffocation by their own father’s demons. And they start to wonder every single day: what is wrong with me, if my own father hates me that much; how could others ever love me. Those hateful, labeling words linger in their minds so much so that they become their bedtime stories, and morning hymns; waking them up to yet another forsaken day of self-doubt and suicidal thoughts.

It might not always be as bad as that. Those abused children might grow up trying to fill the void and cover the wounds inflected by their beloved father in excelling at every single damn thing they could. They try to become so perfect, so clean, so nice to everyone, because they have witnessed and felt so much hate in their lives that they wrap it within themselves and live with the denial that their mind tends to exaggerate those beatings. They are the best campaigns and lovers because they cannot stand arguing, not for a second. But they wander with their thoughts far too much for anyone to notice. They conceal themselves behind bricks of walls and shelter themselves from any dominating male figure.

Some break free early on and live with gratitude for as long as they live, because those abusive fathers change when they are afar. Those fathers become more loving, less physical, more caring, less controlling because their abused children are out of sight.

Those fathers might have been abused as children themselves, and perhaps that is what most of submissive children grow up to be. But those fathers, as good-hearted as they may seem to others are devils and tyrants in their own homes. There can be excuse to the kind of torture they submit their children to every time they please. They cannot bear to see their own children flourish on their own, without any of their useless help. That way, they cannot brag about it, or credit this success to themselves. So they take away that little piece of heaven their children accomplished after so long for their own selfish intentions. Their children can be happy, as long as this state of happiness is due to them, and only them. They are kind in a way, inflecting both joy and pain to their children.

Those children never grow complete. As much as they try or hope to be, they cannot, because they grew without love, without a father figure to look up to, without a home to run to; rather, they grew in a home they wished they would run away from everyday. In fact, sometimes they tried running away, but the destination was always unknown, and they could never confide in anyone because they feared that hand; that scream, that slap, that father.

As they grow, their imaginary friends soon start to fade, and as they feel more alone than ever, they find themselves building a new world where the only population is them. No one to hit them, no one to dictate their dreams, no one to take away their joy, just them alone, whether in a paper, in a drawing, or whichever way their heart pleases, they runaway, only not on the outside, but within.

Soon, this utopia of theirs will be filled with images of their minds they cannot forget, the first time they had a blue eye, the first time they had a twisted arm, how that twisted arm progressed to a broken one, the time a glass cup broke on their heads, and so on.. Till one day they can take this no more, and start self destruction, because really, if their own father never loved them, they should not matter.

God forbid if they ever open their mouths and defend themselves, if they ever try to push his hands away as he beats them, they have sinned. Because he is always right, no matter how wrong he is, and they are always wrong, no matter how right they really are.

And the mother of all people aches the most, for the child that grew in her womb for nine months is dying in front of her everyday and she can nothing but push him away and then tell him how right he was when he did what he because he knows best for his kids, and no, he is not wrong, and yes, he had all the right to hit his kids. They deserved it. They deserve to be hated for as long as they can remember. They deserve to be mistreated and abused because they refused to do something for once. They deserve it because they were born into an unloving, dictator’s arms.

The society we live in is corrupted beyond repair. Education is worthless if we are not taught to defend those in need. Education is worthless if we hear a child being hit by his father and do nothing but raise the volume of our stereo. The next time you look the other way when you see a child getting beaten by his parents, I want you to congratulate you because you too are guilty; perhaps even more than those parents, because you let them think it is perfectly okay to beat a child into obedience and get away with it. And even though it was not your hand that left that bruise on their arms, your silence played a big part in those helpless children’s misery.

when people die , they leave behind a flash of memories , the sort that makes you want to believe you’d be better off if they were still alive. of course this isn’t necessarily true. sometimes , things are just better off without them , it works in many different ways really , people forget and move on. forgetting the lost one isn’t the easiest thing to do , but when passed on with, you will find it easier to come to terms with your life in its current situation. you will never really forget what you’ve lost , you’ll just find it easier to ignore when in public or in places where mere attention is required! when someones on your mind , the only thing that gets them off it is complete ignorance , this ignorance is built by creating a list of cons , or a list of much better things in life to think of , something that could get you past the emotion where some particular person can’t get of your mind. this distraction , is what helps a person move on and continue their life with the least after affects.

when the five stages of grief take place in a situation , it is best thought of as the “moving on” process! you don’t particularly go through them all , or in order exactly , but it somewhat takes place in your changing emotions at the current pace.

Denial : once brought towards the topic of losing someone or leaving someone , you prefer to believe otherwise . you prefer to choose to disagree with the terms brought in front of you! not only do you refuse to understand but you also become rebellious. trying your best to prove to the world how nothings wrong and everything will stay the same.

Anger : there are many things in life that get you upset and angry, some things are just a little more painful to accept than the others. its you trying your best to control this anger is what matters at the moment! you become angry with people , you become angry on having to go through this by your own. the slight misunderstanding still stands between people who choose to blame others for a loss or whatever situation it is they are angry about. that blaming is what causes conflict and violent actions. of course , even if the person is to blame for the situation , what help will it bring? what will it change? … absolutely nothing! one way or another , its happening!

Bargaining : the time in your life where you think situations could be bribed for. obviously not to these exact terms , but consoling with someone trying to give your all just to get past through the situation , is not what you need at the moment! being strong and trying to get past through the damage is the main aim. trying to do anything for an unchangeable situation , thinking all your hard work will pay off is just wrong. nothing you do or give off will change the current situations back to normal.

Depression : and just when you realize and burst the utter ignorance bubble you’ve created to the fact that you can’t do anything about it is when you fall back to place and think about how everything is here , changing at the speed of light , and theres absolutely nothing you can do to fix it. thats when you are in the state of depression , the feeling of helplessness and self pity that drives you through the mad hole of insomnia and nights where all you practically do is just cry and whine about how nothing is right.

Acceptance : to be honest , im still in this state , after all that denial and anger that was built up into me , all those countless attempts to bargain my way through everything , i found my self more sad and depressed than ever , i would see myself in the mirror sometimes hoping to find someone else , just not me , just not this life! but the thing is , everything happens for a reason , and coming to terms with this theory is what really helps in the end. accepting the fact that things have changed , and moving on at a new pace and a new beginning , thats when you know , you’re going to be just fine! you need to help yourself get out of the dirt before you can wipe your self clean.

Only then can you say that you have completely “moved on” . and only then can you start with a different beginning , with a new way to life. only then can you step out of this grief and become happy again.

what next?  what happens after that? you just sit there and be happy about all that you’ve got? Or you dream for more? Its human nature to keep wanting , its the extend you’re ready to go to get what you want thats insane!

people do a lot of things to achieve success , chose wrong paths too sometimes , doesn’t mean they are bad people , it just means they are more eager to achieve that success than someone who takes is slow and calm .

counting the seconds to what seems the perfect world to them , they could do anything to make the time go by any faster , its just the endless encounters with God that keep people on the right path , in their right minds and endure the patience and control that raged need to win and to succeed. wanting to succeed is never a bad thing , but breaking the rules and over doing your limits to get there is , everyone wants to be popular and wanted , why would you want to be the person left out from all the fun?

its just the means of transport … that really shows what you are.but what then? what happens once you’ve got it all?

most people spend their entire life trying to succeed , they die trying , but what if they had it all? money , love , happiness , life.

what do you do with everything in your hands? everything at the snap of your fingers. makes you wonder whats to life after success? doesn’t it? maybe it also explains why no one really gets everything they truly want , in life you have to work as hard as you can to be respected and reach that level where you can say you are entirely happy . and happiness doesn’t come easy , love money freedom all take a part in it , its not always the materialistic things that makes you feel complete , but a lot of other things that come into account.

make the right decisions , but if you make a wrong one , remember , its never a loss. every great fall has taught the world to stand up even better.

A role that can overcome fears , outgrow friendship , find you a real path too maybe.

But the biggest role it plays , is the role of decision making. we all make bad choices. But the reason we make those bad choices is only because we trusted the wrong thing!

see , the thing is ; failure is never really a loss.
its just a ladder to experience , which leads you to success! trust is what builds a foundation . If you’ve been hurt once , it does not mean you lose hope!  Do it again , and never let go!

Don’t be afraid to die . be afraid of what you’ll be missing out on once you’re gone.
trust is not something you can gain so easily. And you might need to take a chance , But who said taking chances is a bad thing? its really just about over coming your fears , because the truth is , every time you take a risk in your life , no matter how it ends up . you’re always glad you took it!

if falling is what reminds me that i can get up again , then I’d fall every time i doubted it!
you always try to look for the perfect time. the perfect moment . the “right” thing to do , but we all know thats not how it really ends up. we keep thinking now is not the right time , but then when is?

thinking about the “right” thing to do is hard. sometimes its just better off when we take a leap & take a chance into doing what our guts tell us to do!

& then do we achieve real success! a win only you could have embraced .

Tc.xx (:

Sometimes , its just better if you don’t let your emotions show!
Sometimes its just simpler to stay quiet and wear on that smile . The fact is , no matter how close you think you are to someone , you can never find those perfect words to describe how you feel ; sometimes that just creates misunderstanding , which leads to more issues!

In life , the most you can do to succeed is believe. That if you fall , you can stand back up ; If you forget , one day you’ll remember! This smile ; its not a lie. Its a shield , from those continuous arrows of life, from that constant reminder that you’re failing! all you got to do is stand strong and you will know , the feeling of safety , the feeling of warmth.

This life will pin you down and kick you while you’re on the ground just don’t let your emotions show . don’t let it get in your way . And just smile , and show the world that you’re back on your feet and you’re ready for whatever!

wait till they see your smile.

tc.xx